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Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance (1 Corinthians 13:7, NLT).
Years back, sitting at a conference about spiritual formation, discussing the topic of conflict, I heard the phrase “irreconcilable differences” for the first time.
My first thought was that Christians should be able to work things out. We should always be able to confess and counsel our way to victory. I believed that if I didn’t have this hope and make heroic efforts of reconciliation to the point of exhaustion, I would be quenching the power of God.
In the years since that conference, I’ve changed my mind.
I’ve observed many people leaving churches, friendships not being restored, marriages ending in divorce, and in a sense, it’s the same thing—saints struggling and stumbling repeatedly with sin.
As a pastor, insisting on the total victory of God in all things with all people while on this earth put me in a position of judging those who failed, made me feel guilty when my counsel didn’t work, and kept me awake too many nights.
I’ve learned to place in “holy suspension” my anxiety about the lack of victory in some situations. I’ll talk to Jesus eventually in heaven and get resolution.
In the meantime, I’ve learned a few things about dealing with irreconcilable differences.
Stop forcing the situation.
Actions from impatience often make things worse. I’ve listened to husbands give me a “to-do” list on what they’re doing to regain the love of a lost wife—only to find their actions push their wives further away.
Regain peace.
It might sound odd, but with irreconcilable differences, the most important action will be to do nothing at all. This means waiting, taking time off, staying away from one another—allowing the stress of tension to relax—so that God can again establish His peace.
Find victory in love.
Love allows the other person to win. It does not demand its way, and it forgives quickly.
We still have a life after irreconcilable differences. Love tries and forgives but doesn’t demand resolution. Many of our expectations don’t work out, and we get stuck in a mire of bitterness if we don’t go forward.
Love allows us to let it go, enables us to forgive ourselves, and keeps the hounds of guilt and self-condemnation at bay.
What I didn’t just say . . .
I was thinking while writing this Interruption, “I hope someone doesn’t use what I just wrote as an excuse to leave a marriage or a relationship.” It happened once after I preached a sermon about grace.
A woman approached me and said, “I believe that I can now leave my husband because God will forgive me.”
No, you don’t have my permission to leave a church, a relationship, or a marriage. But sometimes we don’t have a choice. A situation won’t work. Yet, God’s love hasn’t failed; there’s still hope, and it will see us through these difficult circumstances, too.
I believe Jesus will reconcile all things. Come quickly, Lord Jesus.